Monday, June 18, 2007

The "C" Word

I love children, Dear God do I love children. In a perfect world I would have a whole litter of them. I'd give them baths and take them to the zoo and I'd let them have all the adventures they could ever hope to have. Sadly, this isn't a perfect world.

Marriages fail; not just sometimes, most of the time and while I'd LIKE to think I'd be married forever, I have no reason to believe it would happen.

Realistically, I can't see myself as a kick-ass minister if I'm also the primary caregiver to my child. I'd need a work-at-home husband who would be the primary caregiver amd surprising emotionally-balanced men who are willing to dedicate themselves to fat, funny Anglican ministers-to-be with a penchant for hotrods and boys with tattoos are few and far between.

I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

Anyway, all of that was just to say this. I just had to have The Talk with a great guy, and it was all about children.

Let me tell you how awful THAT was.

He's been the first serious contender since Michael and I'm just crazy for him. I'm not in love with him, but I could be very easily. He would be the perfect husband and father and we would have been great together.

Except he wants kids.

Right now.


And I can't do that. I suppose if I had wanted to I could have kept him hanging on with the promise of "maybe" but that wouldn't have been fair. I don't REALLY know if I want to have kids. If I did know, if I could give him a timeline maybe things would have been different, but "maybe" also means "maybe not" and for me the odds are 50/50. I couldn't let someone else stake their happiness on 50/50 odds.

So there I was, just sitting there KNOWING it was probably one of the biggest mistakes I'd make in my life, telling him "I'm sorry; it's just not going to work out." It's killing me to even think about it, but I know it was the right thing.

He's going to be a great husband someday and an even better father. Too bad it's not with me.


Blogger Elizabeth said...

Sorry it didn't work out for you.

6:01 PM  

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