Monday, July 03, 2006

Ennui? Mais oui.

If I could just get a few good hours rest, I'd be fine. The night keeps me awake, as if it needs the company and the day rolls by accompanied by the steady sound of mechanical insects. The electronic by-products of meaningless work.

It's ennui. I've never been fortunate enough to suffer from ennui before. Usually there's something more pressing --this failed romance, that bit of familial blackmail-- that strangles my interest. Or the opposite, red balloon elation where each curl falls into place and I channel some better, stronger person. Never ennui. Never like this.

It's unfair. At least if I was unhappy I could indulge myself and say "the bastard was too old for you anyway" or walk the labyrinth and meditate on my pain. Feeling something, they say, is better than feeling nothing at all (let's ignore for the moment that "they" are often wrong). I can't even get up the will to make a bad decision. Take home a wildly inappropriate man? Couldn't be bothered. Drink too much? Yawnsville, man.

"Plum" --a nickname only my very close friends get away with-- "Plummy, you need to get laid."


I need a nap.


Anonymous Glen said...

Fear not, you are just drifting through an interbellum period — such as arise (mercifully) briefly from time to time, largely out of happenstance.
While humanity avows that it is peace and contentment that we crave – we really aren't built for that. It's not in our design specs to thrive in a stressless life.
If they have not already, I suspect the onslaught of all those things that Abbot Isaac decried in his "The Nature of Prayer" will come crashing back with a vengeance and you shall be back in the swim of things.

Peace (but not too much) be with you.

12:06 PM  

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